An invitation arrives in your mailbox. The wording, “we request your presence only, please do not bring a present”? Breathe a sigh of relief! Those simple words translate to zero stress of finding the perfect gift. On the other hand, does the request for your presence not presents instead disappoint you? There is a certain joy in finding and giving what we deem as the perfect gift. Yes, a gift can be the outward physical display of your love, thought, and appreciation. The question now becomes, should I bring a present anyway?

In the hussel of bussel of life, the craziness of balancing work and family, I would implore you to see the benefit of gifting your presence instead of presents. Show up, be there, and give of yourself. You will reap the rewards!

Researchers Agree– Presence Not Presents

Is buying our kids gifts really a bad thing? Of course gifts are not a bad thing, however spoiling your kids can backfire. Manhattan psychotherapist, Sean Grover, states, “gift giving can have a powerful positive or negative effect on a child’s self esteem.” Choose a present your child uses to develop creativity and a sense of identity and you are helping to improve their self esteem. On the contrary, giving a gift or too many gifts promotes materialism. A child may always be looking for the next best thing. Spoiling a child will never allow them to learn the value of a dollar.

Though giving a physical gift can be beneficial because the gift can promote creativity and even learning, a parent’s presence is always important! This statement is never more true than in today’s age of technology. Do you spend time with your kids or are you instead putting them in front of a television or an Ipad? Are you on your phone instead of having meaningful conversation? Research proves parental involvement is instrumental in forming a child’s behavior, development, and psyche.

• “Children with involved parents have lower rates of substance use and delinquent acts compared to kids whose parents are uninvolved” (1)
• “Kids with involved parents have better peer interactions than kids with uninvolved parents. Their social skills also seem to be more advanced.”(2)
• “Kids with involved parents have better mental health than children whose parents do not get involved in their education”. (3)
• “Children with involved parents also have enhanced skills for regulating emotions and feel negative emotions less often”. (3)

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Stop Buying Stuff

The American dream is to have it all. Unfortunately, this happens at a cost. BUY, BUY, BUY. We need the best clothes and house. On Good Friday, we wait in line for the latest toys and video games so that our children can have more than what we had growing up. We purchase every cool new gadget to make life easier and entertain our kids. But do the physical objects make us happy or instead push us to continue to want more?

A kid believes the latest sneakers or brand new phone will make them more popular. “But gifts that make a child feel accepted externally and maybe not internally can be problematic—and can build dependency on materialism. After all, the sneakers will go out of style, and a newer, fancier phone will be released in a couple months.” (4)

Stop buying stuff. The stuff will never make you happy. The problem with “stuff” is there is always more “stuff”, bigger and better “stuff” that will then be replaced with even bigger and better “stuff”. Stuff is just stuff. Have you heard the story about the millionaire who died? Not surprisingly, he did not get to take his worldly treasures with him when he left this world.

Invest in your loved ones

Alternatively, investing in your loved ones will always pay high dividends. Professor Stephen Joseph, of the University of Nottingham said: “Most of the research in the past has said money isn’t that important in terms of happiness. The things that are important are things to do with relationships, with other people, and things that help to promote meaning, the purpose in life. ” (5) Material objects will not make your life worth living.

No Christmas Presents This Year

It is crazy how fast our kids grow up. It seems like in a blink of an eye they are walking, then basically trying everything in their power to run as far away from you as they can. I saw a quote or one of those inspirational memes on Facebook that read, “A child is going to remember who was there, not what you spent on them. Kids outgrow toys and outfits, but they never outgrow time and love.” It hit me like a pile of bricks.

As a law enforcement family, we work crazy hours, dinners on the go, missed holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries can easily become the norm. Sadly, it took the death of a work colleague’s wife for us to realize we were living life for our job instead of our family. We wanted our son to have positive memories of his childhood. Childhood is over in a blink of an eye. What will he remember about his childhood? Will he remember all his parents did was chase the American dream of money, power, and success? Or will he remember the time we spent together?

The first step: No Christmas presents. Instead we planned experiences. Each one printed on colorful paper and wrapped in boxes under the tree for my son to open. Step two: we stopped giving physical birthday gifts and anniversary gifts. Instead, we took time off work to zipline over a Costa Rican waterfall, hold a sloth, or even kiss an Alaskan moose. My son does not expect physical presents. He does expect our presence.

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Tips For Giving Your Presence Over Presents

Research shows buying gifts for others makes us happy. A study by Harvard Business School found, “Regardless of income level, those people who spent money on others reported greater happiness, while those who spent more on themselves did not.” (5). I am not advocating to stop giving gifts. I am, however, supporting the idea of changing our idea of the perfect present. You can still spend your money on others, but instead of a tangible object instead invest in memories and experiences.

Here are some tips for giving your presence instead of presents.

Talk.

Put down the technology and talk. Easier said than done in an age of technology where a text message has replaced a phone conversation. Make time to eat dinner as a family so you can catch up on what happened during the day. Resist the temptation to pick up your phone when having dinner with your friends. Invest in your relationships.

Listen.

Anyone can talk, but do you really listen? Unfortunately we think faster than we talk. Therefore, we are thinking instead of listening. Make a concerted effort to listen. Look them in the eye. Do not think of a response as the person is talking.

Learn.

Everyone wants to feel important, seen, and heard. Learn what makes someone tick. Be interested in the hobbies of your loved one. Once you know someone’s likes and dislikes, it becomes easy to be present.

Say thank you.

Two simple words, right? We say thank you when handed something, in response to being given a physical gift, and when someone holds the door for us. All great, right? But when is the last time your told your husband thank you for working so hard to provide for the family. Has he told you thank you for making a great dinner? Have you told your kids thank you for working hard at school? Appreciation lets someone know how important they are to you.

Make traditions.

“Tradition contributes a sense of comfort and belonging. It brings families together and enables people to reconnect with friends.” (6) Start new traditions that promote presence over presents such as a holiday vacation together, volunteering at a local homeless shelter, or a weekly family dinner.

Spend money on memories.

So you have decided you are not giving Christmas presents this year. Spend your money instead on memories. Whether it is a family trip, a scrapbook, or even tickets to your child’s favorite band, these experiences will provide fond memories that will last longer than a physical present.

Presence vs Presents

Great joy can come from giving. Research proves it. Personally, I am an advocate of gift giving, but not the physical kind. The most precious keepsake is not the latest toy, technical gadget, or stylish tennis shoes. Instead, I choose to make memories, reconnect, and give of my presence. Take a trip, plan an outing as a family, read a book together, or just sit and talk. The collection of family memories will last far longer than the latest toy. And let’s face it, offering your time, talent, and a piece of yourself is far more valuable.

Article References:

1. Hayakawa M, Giovanelli A, Englund MM, Reynolds AJ. Not just academics: Paths of longitudinal effects from parent involvement to substance abuse in emerging adulthood. J Adolesc Health. 2016;58(4):433-439. doi:10.1016/j.jadohealth.2015.11.007
2. El nokali NE, Bachman HJ, Votruba-drzal E. Parent involvement and children’s academic and social development in elementary school. Child Dev. 2010;81(3):988-1005. doi:10.1111/j.1467-8624.2010.01447.
3. Fiorilli C, Grimaldi capitello T, Barni D, Buonomo I, Gentile S. Predicting adolescent depression: The interrelated roles of self-esteem and interpersonal stressors. Front Psychol. 2019;10:565. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00565
4. Watson, S. (2019, December 20). There is such a thing as too many gifts for kids. Retrieved September 30, 2020, from https://www.popsci.com/story/science/buy-gifts-kids-psychology/
5. Randerson, J. (2008, March 21). The path to happiness: It is better to give than receive. Retrieved September 30, 2020, from https://www.theguardian.com/science/2008/mar/21/medicalresearch.usa
6. Sonnenberg, F. (2015, June 30). 7 Reasons Why Traditions Are So Important. Retrieved October 5, 2020, from https://selatmeigs.weebly.com/uploads/9/3/2/7/9327727/7_reasons_why_traditions_are_so_important.pdf

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About the Author:

Hi! I’m Chris. I’m a mother, wife, college professor by trade and micro-influencer by hobby. I am a bargain hunter, jack of all trades, and master of chaos.

Thank you for reading my random thoughts on travel, my stories of life as an under appreciated mother of a teenager, and my easy recipes that have won no awards but instead my family’s love and adoration (which is WAY better, right?).